Reimagine Your Future
There is more to healing than coming to terms with your loss or being satisfied with just making it through the day.
Eventually, the challenge is figuring out what you want your life to look like moving forward. This is the work of reimagining your future, as captured in this TEDx Talk:
Dating
A big part of reimagining your life is thinking about new relationships. Wanting companionship is natural, but the idea of being with someone new can be complicated.
Here's how these parents took on this issue:
Several things to keep in mind when deciding whether to date again:
- First of all, wanting to be with someone is ok! Just because you lost your spouse/partner — doesn't mean you lost your desire to be intimate with another person.
- Date when you are ready. There is no timeline. Some parents are ready to date earlier than others. Follow your gut rather than feel pressured by others suggesting that you “should” be dating again.
- Tell your children if you start dating someone seriously. If your child is old enough to notice that there is a new person in your life, it’s better to have an honest conversation about it. By telling them, you control the message and can answer their questions.
- Some children view dating as an attempt to replace the parent they lost. Others are happy to have another parent figure in their lives. You know your children the best, but their reactions may still catch you by surprise. Again, the key is open communication!
- Being ready to date doesn’t mean you are done grieving your spouse. Remember, moving forward with your life isn't the same as leaving your loved one behind.
- Your family or friends may think you're "better" once you start dating. Well, that’s not usually how it works... Being with another person doesn't mean that you're “over” your grief.
Personal Growth
You may be surprised to find that — over time — you grow as a person as a result of your loss.
This phenomenon has a name: Post-Traumatic Growth, and it comes in different forms: improved relationships, appreciation for things once taken for granted, a willingness to try new things, and deeper spiritual beliefs.
If, one day, you do recognize that you have changed in good ways, embrace it!
It Gets Better
Most parents see the intensity of their grief lessen over time. They find their way. We see this every day in our clinical work and in our research.
It can be a hard to imagine how life can ever feel good again, and for sure, some wounds don’t heal completely. But, in time, and for most people: Things Do Get Better.
Lessons Learned
Our experience with widowed parents teaches us that you will cope better if you can:
- Reimagine new paths forward for you and your family. This takes time and it takes courage, too. Eventually, decide to hope again.
- Be fair to yourself. Hold yourself to the same standard you would a friend. You deserve it.
- Connect with someone. Whether it’s a friend, family member, therapist, member of the clergy, or as part of a support group, having someone to share your experiences with is important.
- Find meaning from your loss. This can happen, if not immediately.
- Take care of yourself. It is all too easy to place your own needs behind that of your children. Sometimes, it’s necessary for you to take center stage.